Personal
Sexual Fantasies
What they do and don’t say about us.
I just read two Nancy Friday books. My Secret Garden collects female sexual fantasies. Men in Love collects male sexual fantasies.
Friday lets her anonymous contributers share their darkest secrets, uncensored and unjudged. Her books are not about how men and women should love. They tell how men and women do love.
Like PostSecret
The books reminded me of PostSecret. People mail a secret on a postcard, anonymously. PostSecret puts them on the web. Some recent examples:
- I ponder about what deaf people sound like when having sex.
- He has a diaper fetish. I didn’t see that one coming.
- When I’m drunk I steal from my friends.
- I wish that I could see my friends’ vaginas. I often wonder if theirs look like mine.
But the secrets in Friday’s books are longer and more detailed. All are sexual fantasies.
Their secret gardens
In My Secret Garden, many women fantasized about being raped. Some wanted multiple men. Some wanted bondage.
Some women wanted strangers. One wanted her husband’s brother.
Some wanted to fuck a donkey. One did fuck a donkey, and liked it.
Many of these women were happy with their married sex life. For most, their fantasies made their married sex life better.
Men in love
In Men in Love, many men fantasized about raping a woman. Some wanted many women. Some just wanted to lick pussy.
Some men wanted strangers. Some wanted coworkers. One wanted to be pissed on.
Some wanted to fuck one of their high-school students. One man did, and they both loved the relationship.
Many of these men were happy with their married sex life. For one man, his fantasies allowed him to regularly lick his wife for over an hour so she could come.
All virgins felt ashamed. Most came from a religious background. They wanted to give love and be loved.
What sexual fantasies do and don’t say about us
You should read Nancy Friday’s books. She’s great at discussing sex, fantasy, culture, and morality.
Our fantasies can tell us a lot about how things are. We love sex. Lots of sex. A variety of sex. Exciting sex. Compassionate sex. Wild sex. Weird sex.
Our fantasies can’t tell us much about how things should be. That would be the naturalistic fallacy. For example, science tells us that nature does drive the weakeset creatures into extinction. But that doesn’t mean we should kill weak humans.
Experience tells us we want lots of wild, varied sex. That doesn’t mean we should. And it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t.
It doesn’t mean we should encourage fantasies. And it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t.
That’s a conversation we need to have as a species, as a culture, as a subculture.
Morality means asking, “What kind of world do we want?” That tends to change:
- Ancient tribes like Israel wanted to slaughter other tribes. That’s gone out of style in most of the world.
- Slavery was once a healthy economic practice. That’s out of style, too.
- Once, women were property. We don’t think that way anymore, except in some Muslim countries.
- Once, each kingdom thought it was their god-given duty to enslave “primitive” people for their benefit; to teach them how to be godly. Nobody does that anymore.
- Once, a few religious societies thought sex was bad and should not be enjoyed. That’s going out of style, too.
As humans, we have lots of things to talk about. Sex is one of them. Do we want sex to be faithful, duty-bound, jealous, and needy? Or do we want sex to be unfaithful, free, open, and independent? There are other options, too.
Different people like it different ways. We’d probably all get along better if we let Sue do it her way and Marion do it her way, as long as they don’t hurt each other.