Guru Ratings
Milton Cudney
Good.
Remember my ratings criteria. I’m not judging these gurus on “global” or moral values, but very specific criteria. Many of my favorite books would be rated “bad” by my criteria for self-help (probably, because they are not self-help books). My ratings don’t reflect how well an author met his own goals, but how well they met my criteria for useful, accurate self-help.
Self-Defeating Behaviors (1991)
Self-Defeating Behaviors tells you how to break bad habits, like:
- Procrastination
- Defensiveness
- Drug abuse
- Worry
- Shyness
- Perfectionism
- Overeating
- etc.
How bad habits work
At one point, a bad habit helps you cope with a tough situation. Shyness helps you avoid social rejection. Overeating or drug abuse helps you feel good when your relationships don’t. Denying your sexuality helps you avoid sexual rejection.
But, a bad habit isn’t the best solution. If you face social rejection, better to develop social skills than to avoid people. Better to learn how to grow better relationships than to overeat or get drunk. Better to build confidence and express your sexuality in a healthy way than to become frigidly asexual.
In the long run, a bad habit guarantees the consequences you’re using it to avoid. Shyness won’t lead to a healthy social life. Drug abuse brings momentary happiness, and destroys sources of long-term happiness like trusting relationships. Avoiding sex altogether gives you one of the least healthy sex lives possible: none.
Toxic messages
Bad habits can be created or reinforced by toxic messages from social systems. For example:
| Toxic Message | Source |
|---|---|
| “To remain pure, you must deny your sexuality.” | religion |
| “Borrow money to buy things you can’t afford.” | banks & businesses |
| “Unless you have a certain body and appearance, you are ugly.” | advertising |
| “To protect your way of life, you must go to other countries and kill people there.” | government |
| “If you feel unhappy or worried, take some pills.” | medical system |
| “If you work hard, you can achieve anything you want.” | family |
| “Happily married people don’t have sexual desires for anyone else.” | culture at large |
Unconscious conclusions
Unconscious conclusions can build bad habits. Examples:
- If I attack people and win, people will admire me.
- If I stay miserable, God will notice my suffering and bless me.
- If I am suspicious of everyone, nobody can take advantage of me.
- If I never try, I can’t fail.
So, you need to ask yourself if any unconscious conclusions might have encouraged your bad habit. If you’re about to leave a job you’re good at, ask yourself: Do you think all success leads to failure? Do you think you only do well when you’re afraid of failure?
How to break bad habits
Cudney offers a step-by-step plan for breaking bad habits.
- Identify your bad habit.
- Identify your triggers. When, where, and with whom does the bad habit show itself?
- Interrupt your bad habit.
- Challenge your toxic thoughts and replace them with fairer ones.
- Replace your bad habit with something that works better. (You’ll need to practice the new behavior beforehand, of course.)
- Face your fears. Accept your fears and step forward anyway.
- Overcome setbacks. Accept that failure is necessary step toward success.
- Celebrate success. Reward yourself.
Thankfully, the book explains all this in detail, which is where the book really stands above the rest. You should read it.